Throwing off My Dark Shadow by Ba Jin ~巴金 《撇弃》 with English Translations

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作品原文

巴金 《撇弃》

凉夜,我一个人走在雨湿的街心,街灯的微光使我眼前现出一片昏黄。 两个老妇的脚声跟着背影远远地消失了。我的前面是阴暗,又似乎是空虚。
我在找寻炫目的光辉。但是四周只有几点垂死的灯光。
我的脚不感到疲倦。我不记得我已经走了若干时候,也不知道还要走若干路程。
一个影子在后面紧紧跟着我。他走路没有声音。我好像听见他在我的耳边低声讲话。
我回过头,看不见一个人,等我再往前走,我又听见有人在我后面说话。
“谁?”我问道。
“我,”这是一个熟习的声音。
“你是谁,为什么紧紧跟着我?”
“我是你的影子。我从来就跟在你后面。”
“那么请你出来,让我见你一面。我不要听你那些叽哩咕噜。”
他不作声,却仍然跟着我走。
“我说,请你出来,让我见见你。你为什么老躲在黑暗里面?”我不能忍耐地再说一次。
“我不能出来,”他嗫嚅地说;“我不能离开黑暗。黑暗可以作我的掩 护。”
“那么你可知道我要去什么地方?”我突然问道。
“我不知道,不过我要跟着你。”
“我告诉你,我要去寻找光明。”
我似乎听见一声“啊哟”,过了半晌,耳语又响起来:
“你不会找到光明。你还不如回头走别的路。”
“我一定要往前走。见不到光明,我就不停脚步。”
“但是你知道这地方离光明还有若干路程?你这一生又还可以走若干时候?”
“我不管这些事。只要我活着,我就要到那个地方去找光明。”
“你会什么也看不见,就疲倦地死在中途。没有人埋葬你,却让你暴尸荒野,给兀鹰做食料。”
“我宁愿让兀鹰啄我的肉,却不想拿它们去喂狗。我宁愿疲劳地死在荒 野,却不想安乐地躺在温暖的家中。”
“所有的人都会嘲笑你;谁都会忘记你。你口渴,没有人递给你一杯水。
你倒下去,没有人搀扶你一把,你呻吟,便有人向你投掷石子。一直到死,你得不到一点点同情。”
“我为什么要别人的同情?难道我不相信自己?不相信自己的路?”
“那么你不怕寂寞?你不知道前面的路便是用寂寞铺砌的?”
“我知道。我的脚踏在寂寞上面,我的步子就显得更有力。寂寞会成为我的忠实伴侣。”
“你这个傻子,即使你得到光明,你拿它来做什么用?你能将它当饭吃,当衣穿?”影子居然哂笑起来。
我昂然回答:“我若得到光明,就把它分给众人,让光辉普照世界。若得不着光明,我愿意一个人寂寞地死在中途。”
“但是为你自己,你留什么给你自己?”
“如果光明普照世界,我也可以分到一线光——”
“然而要是黑暗统治一切呢?”它打岔地问我。
“那么我就努力跟黑暗斗争,我要打破黑暗。”
“打破黑暗?你有多大的力量?”它哈哈笑起来。“我劝你不要过分看重自己。”
“不管我有没有力量,但是我有志愿,我有决心。我做不到,不要紧。别的人可以做到。”
“你这个疯子,你这个空想家。你不要安乐,你不要荣誉。你把寂寞当作宝贝,还要它做你的永久伴侣。你还要追求光明,打破黑暗,却不想,没 有黑暗,我怎么能够生存?”
它冷笑,它哂笑,它大笑。
“算了罢,我也该 死心了。老是跟着你,对我有什么好处?我不甘心做一个傻瓜,白白毁掉我自己。从这时候起,你走你的路,我走我的。让你去拥抱寂寞,任你去爱抚死亡。我会看到兀鹰啄尽你的肉,马蹄踏碎你的骨。”
带着几声轻蔑的大笑,我的影子离开了我。它走路没有声音,我不知它 去向何处。我只看见一个黑影在我的眼角一晃。
于是我的耳边寂然了。
在我的眼前,那昏黄淡到成为一片灰黑。前面展开一条长的路。路是阴暗的,我抬起头用力向前望去,我要看透那阴暗。好像有一线光在远处摇晃,但亮光离这里一定很远。
路上只有我一个人。我慢慢地在寂静中移动脚步。我不记得我已经走了若干路程,也不知道还要走若干时候。

 

 

作品译文

 

 

Throwing off My Dark Shadow

It was a cool evening. I was walking down a rain-drenched street by myself. In the faint light f the street lamps, all was a blur before me. The footfalls of two old women disappeared in the distance as well as their receding figures. I was faced with darkness or, perhaps, emptiness.
I had been searching for dazzling brilliance, only to find a few dying lamplights around me.
The walk didn’t tire my feet. I didn’t know how long I had been walking, or how far I still had to go.
I found a shadowing me closely and quietly. It seemed that he had been whispering into my ear.
I looked back, but not a soul in sight. Then, when I walked on, I heard the same voice again.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Me,” sounded a familiar voice.
“Who are you? Why have you been following me closely?”
“I’m your shadow. I’ve always been at your heels.”
“Then please come out so that I can take a look at you. I’m tired of your gabbling.”
He fell into silence, but kept tailing after me.
“Say, please show up and let me see you,” I demanded again out of impatience. “Why have you been hiding yourself in the dark?”
“No, I won’t show up,” he faltered. “I can’t go without darkness. Darkness provides cover for me.”
“Then you know where I’ going?” I asked suddenly.
“No, I don’t, but I want to follow you.”
“Let me tell you, I’m going to look for light.”
Thereupon, I seemed to hear a voice exclaiming, “Aiyo!” Then, after quite a while, I heard the whisper again.
“You’ll never find light. You’d better turn back and take another way.”
“I’ll keep going forward, and never stop until I find light.”
“But do you know far from her you’ll have to go before you find light? And how long will you be able to walk in this life?”
“I don’t care about all that. So long as live, I go where there’s light.”
“You’ll die of exhaustion before you find anything. And nobody will care to bury you. Your dead body will be left unburied in the wilderness for vultures to eat.”
“I would rather have my dead body pecked by vultures than fed to dogs. I would rather die of exhaustion than lie comfortably in my warm home.”
“All people will laugh at you and forget you. Nobody will hand you a cup of water when you are thirsty. Nobody will come to your help when you fall down. People will throw stones at you when you groan. You’ll never gain any sympathy all your life.”
“Why should I need other people’s sympathy? Do I disbelieve myself or the way I’m following?”
“Then aren’t you afraid of loneliness? Don’t you know the way ahead is all paved with loneliness?”
“Yes, I do. I’ll walk with even more vigorous steps the moment I set foot on loneliness. Loneliness will be my faithful companion.”
“You bloody fool, even if you got light, what good would it do you? Would it keep you adequately fed and clad?” He even had the audacity to start sneering at me.
I gave a clear-cut answer, “If I get light, I’ll share it with everybody and let it shed its brilliance all over the world. If I fail to get light, I’ll be just ready to die a solitary death halfway.”
“As to yourself, what would you keep for yourself?”
“When light shines all over the world, I’ll enjoy my share of its brilliance –”
“What if darkness predominates?” he cut in.
“I’ll fight with darkness as best I can. I’ve made up my mind to break through it.”
“Break through it, eh?” he burst out laughing. “Ha-ha! Are you that powerful? I’m telling you not to overestimate your own power.”
“Never mind if I have the power or not. I have ambitions and determination. It doesn’t matter if I should fail. Other people will achieve what I failed to do.”
“You lunatic, you dreamer! You forsake happiness and honor. You treasure loneliness and regard it as your lifelong companion. And you’re trying to go after light and break through darkness without ever thinking how I could exist without darkness!”
He grinned, he laughed he roared.
“That’s enough,” he continued, “I’d better give up. What good will it do me to keep following you? I shouldn’t make a fool of myself by ruining myself for nothing. From now on, we each go our own way. You can go ahead embracing loneliness and hugging death. Let me count on seeing your dead body gobbled up by vultures and your bones trodden to pieces by horses’ hoofs.”
Laughing a few derisive laughs, my shadow disappeared from behind me. He walked away noiselessly. I no longer knew his whereabouts. I only saw a dark shadow flash past the corner of my eye.
Now there was no more whispering in my ear.
The twilight was deepening. A long murky road stretched far into the distance as I raised my head to strain my eyes to see through the darkness, a ray of light seemed to flash from afar, though definitely a long, long way from where I was.
I moved along slowly by myself in the prevailing silence of the night. I couldn’t remember how far I had covered, and nor did I know for how long I still had to travel.

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